I knew damn well it would happen again on Monday. The offer of my spare ipod after having his nicked out of his car was just the excuse we needed to see one another, pretend we could be in the same room, on my sofa, drink tea, talk about our work, talk about the economy (or lack thereof), the weather (as before) and everything else in between and the whole time imagining tearing each other’s clothes off and riding each other into the middle of next week. So that’s what happened, although it wasn’t into the middle of next week, probably until about 2am, although I still managed to be an hour late for work on Tuesday – I always find it incredibly hard leaving him as I never know when the next time will be, if we’ll still be talking in an hours time even.
Ours is a strange relationship…we met last November, the 17th to be exact – I remember as it was a week before my birthday, a week before my then boyfriend took me to New York. “He” had just come back from NY, I’d heard stories about him, seen a few pictures on good ol’ FB, but this was the first time we had met. I should say that I came to know of him because a guy I know went travelling solo just under 2 years ago, they met along the way and became the best of friends. So yes, he was fresh off the plane from NY, wanted a cigarette and offered me 20 dollars for one that I gladly accepted (well, he was good looking but I wasn’t turning down 20 dollars)! I gave him a cigarette and later found out he had asked about me, my best mate sternly told him I had a boyfriend and to back off – he added me on Facebook the next day. At the time I was living in Cambridge with my boyfriend and didn’t come to London very often, however my work there fell apart and by January I was facing the commute to London as I landed a secretarial job with a big property company in the West End. To cut the story short, I was extremely unhappy commuting, I was falling out of love rapidly with my boyfriend and “he” was there.
There was obvious attraction from the moment we met, one that we both chose to ignore as much as possible…yes there was flirting over email but more than anything we confided in each other, him of his wild nights of sex with random girls he had met, how he fell in love with most of them but when they developed feelings he lost interest and I how on earth was I going to give up a boyfriend who worshipped the ground I walked on, who I moved away from my comfort zone for, my family, my friends to live with because I no longer found him attractive and in turn had began to stop loving? So on 28th May we decided to put our friendship to the test and we met – the first time since we had in November last year. He lived in St Albans, I was staying with my Mum in London, we met in Marylebone…too much wine, far too much flirting later I found myself on a train back to St Albans, lying to my boyfriend, my Mum, my best friend about where I was – surely this should’ve been a big enough deterrent? Of course not! We had the most incredible sex I have ever experienced, it was as if we had been having sex for years, knew exactly what the other wanted, how they wanted it, how long for but without the years of relationship to dampen the spark. I broke up with my boyfriend within a week, I couldn’t lie to him and I couldn’t tell him the truth (yes, cowardice but my reasoning is that why ruin it for any other woman he may meet by tainting his view with the shitty thing I did?) Anyway, so that ended, I moved back to my Mum’s and have been happily shagging St Albans boy all summer…
There are 2 problems, one, we have both developed feelings for one another and our crazy with jealousy, 2 he wants to be with a mates sister who conveniently lives in Amsterdam. This throws up all kinds of self-worth questions I try not to ask myself but find myself thinking more and more regularly recently…why on earth would a half decent-looking, size 10, 23 year old with all her teeth continue sleeping with someone that she knew wanted to be with someone else? My honest answer…I haven’t a clue. Just over a week ago I lay in my bed hating myself for letting myself get attached to a fuck-buddy when we had decided that everything had gotten too much and that we were going to be purely platonic after I had spent 4 nights out of 8 at his new house…in West London! Oh yes, he’s moved to London to be closer to the action and conveniently 20 minutes drive from where I live! So yes, upset, misery etc all last week Tuesday, but since then I have had the best, stress-free week I’ve had since June and what do I do? Wreck my head for a couple of hours worth of sex. We still have incredible sex and still find each other extremely attractive which is where the problem lies I believe. We get on so well, we have tonnes in common, so why are we not together and why does he want to be with a girl that lives a thousand miles away? My past.
I’ve had a, let’s say, “colourful life” which means to the strangers reading this I’m 23 and have slept with 36 people - ish. To be honest, I have no idea how it got to this number, I stupidly lost my virginity at 15 and thought it was clever sleeping with loads of guys and that they would like me for it – what a naïve idiot I was! This is relevant because of the group of friends I keep are mostly boys, 2 of which I have slept with, both over 2 years ago but a reputation is harder to get rid of than red wine on white linen trousers and St Albans boy knows them both…well.
All this amounts to me being emotionally fucked. I have extremely strong feelings for a man I know I will never be with, I don’t imagine I will ever have sex quite like it with anyone else and who upsets me almost on a daily basis…what an idiot I am. Must say at this point, this is extremely therapeutic this blog malarkey…being completely honest, knowing only strangers will read it and can judge or empathise as much as they want and I never have to hear about it – brilliant!! It is also helping me realise what a plank I am being. How will I ever find a man who will respect me if I have none for myself? Christ, what have I been doing these past 4 months? What a waste!
Ok so anyway, that’s an insight into what been happening over the past year or so relationship wise, there’s plenty more detail I’ve left out but I’m sure as I continue to use this as a tool of self-discovery you will get all the drama I seem to attract on a daily basis.
TTFN x
